How it Feels

written the week after Micah went to school; photo from Family Weekend a couple weeks ago
How it Feels:
Standing on the Verge of Kindergarten 
While Saying Goodbye
to my new college freshman.
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We’ve already begun. Miss K5 and I. A gentle, tottering start into her first official year. while so many, many other things swirl around fiercely. Read: seven other students and grade levels. Three in high school (again). Pretty much always. From now on.

The yawning ache in my heart overflows my eyes and suddenly, all I am seeing is a wavering mist. 

And that is what it is. A wavering mist- but a treasured, priceless, incredibly important mist, at that.
Looking at the investment before me in my wee, small girl, I can’t help but be informed by this “ending” I have faced- and indeed, am facing again, again.
It is all too much for me. It is too big for me. I am too small, weak, inadequate.
It feels like a blink. It feels unrelentingly daunting.
Every day is different. And this K; this kindergarten is SO VERY different from Kindergarten in 2004.
The best I can give is myself. The best of myself.
It feels like birth- when I was torn asunder for new life, Again, again.
It feels scary like when I bravely begin the next hard task before me. Again, again.
It feels exciting like gazing at the beautiful, lit horizon glancing gold too beautiful and yet too mysterious to see.
The books are what choke me. It is the bookshelf gazing at me with every fierce remembrance. My hand resting upon this one, my gaze- upon that one.
The stories told down all the many years.
He will read new books now. There are new horizons stretching before him.

I think I need to read some books of my own. 

But I will always remember. And I fight valiantly to build such a heritage with my little clan. The days slip away. It is hard. Everything changes.
Life is too big for me. I take a weary step. Every yes is a no. What are my yes’s, what are my no’s?
One thing I know: I say yes, again, again, again to every face gifted into this life of mine: Todd, and each precious child.

Hidden, quiet- but still real

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My words have been hidden in the quiet. Caught and streaked across smudged pages. Typed hurriedly into a notebook app. A haphazard collecting of a scattering of days.

The water flows under the bridge. On, on. This life streams forward, too.

I have words to share here: writing words, and educating words; family words, and beauty words; truth-seeking words, and gratitude.

Writing is a path for me to reach my own longed-for destination.

Mostly, I want to find myself cupping full each day. Cupping faces and rubbing backs. Reading words that fill heart and mind. And more, and more. And this is just stream of consciousness and my mind’s eye and a deep breath:

We have seen “beavers” (ground hogs) munching grass, and chipmunks scurry with pointed tail, we are the happy home of one delightful, young wild brown rabbit- whom we have watched grow from wee, little baby to bounding youth; there was the drive home with the twin, dappled fawns staggering on their baby legs across the dimpled road- while the twins in my car squealed with delight – and the wise teenager next to me offered insight; there were butterfly winged- girls stretching out on the paved path; there was the happy accomplishment of  better tended geraniums; there was the Chesapeake Bay awash in rain; there were days swimming and soaking up sun, and then coming home for tortilla pizza; there was the “309” with my Dad at the diner; and a carefully prepared flute song for a birthday gift; there were Irish fiddle tunes, and cello tunes; there were stories cuddled up in the black leather chair; there was perfect, hot, salted kettle popcorn made just for me; and Orange Ginger Mint tea.  There were days upon days of Algebra 1, and a blue ballet wrap skirt twirling with the grace of my girl, there was a concerted effort to “train” for soccer; there was an Indonesian chair and music streaming from a grand piano; there was Sandymount in the rain; there was my bedroom alight with white candles- and my recognition that it was just like I thought it would be; firefly catching, and sparklers; there were (several) white knuckled drives, and a flood…

Our grass is long, and our house is in disarray. There is tending here, repair there, and organization needed. And without taking this time- it is enough to sink me low.  In fact it does, and I am.

But there is that Maryland sky- stretching above, streaking hope and glory- on the most unlikely of days. Todd called me out the other day. And I didn’t go. Craving just those few minutes alone, along to get work done on the computer. It was satisfying to make that small headway. It was regretful to miss those glory moments. But in my mind’s eye, I was there.  How do I know what to choose, and what I need? I did need those moments alone.  And I still feel the peace from that headway made…

The light has started to change. The earth shifts. My whole self feels it. I sense the early darkness- on its way.

It is a time of great transition for me. But it is also a time of staying true. Returning to beginnings. Practicing faithfulness.

It is time to get ready for school.

Up next, something I wrote a week ago or so…

~Rebecca

 

 

 

 

Endless Gifts

From February:

A late night talk with Nathanael and the importance of current events, a Lego Minifig in my inbox, Christian worldview, and his “like” on my 66books because he loves me. 🙂 and…sharing Fridays there with him.

Tea with Joshua and more tea times in my planner

Plum Paper!!!! (and stickers) and somehow life feels way more manageable… and somehow, I am much more confident in the driver seat of this life… with these navigating tools.

Hormones (as in hormone replacement therapy- been so very, very helpful for me)

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies made by the youngest baker we have had yet (Joshua)

A tin of tea that is amazing again, again, again. I love it all.

Roses! Crimson, fragrant. From Micah.

Valentine’s Day and the dear, sweet friend who helped me rally…and silly tongue twisters around the table… and the most amazing smell as dinner wafted through all the house times two… first, the savory meat and vegetables… and then! the bread. Warm and home-made. The best smells in the world.

Little girlies in heart tunics… so excited on Valentine’s Day… and all dressed up… and reminding me again, and again- to lay out their clothes night(s) before- so I wouldn’t forget. And I didn’t. (thank You, Lord.)

Thinking on last year’s word {freedom} thinking again, and again….

Todd grocery shopping on Saturday…creamer, and coconut yogurt, and juice, and fruit…relief.

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March Into April

the day the snow fell soft, huge, and thick… in March

Easter Book Read Alouds

Birthday Celebrations

an afternoon holding a new baby nephew

a face to face video call with a brother and another {darling}  nephew

a purple purse from my sister

a whisk of a visit from my Mom and all the wonderful provisions

a visit to see my Aunt with Ryan (although this was the day I think I started with the flu..- the visit was still very good!!)

tucked in cozy in my bed when the wind rattles and shakes the house

time to begin counting gifts again… it’s time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Easter 2018

Blessed Easter!!

Easter 2018 comprised of Easter “Love” Baskets stuffed with safe chocolates, sweets, and Empty Tombs.  My little one helped stuff some eggs with jelly beans and fruit gems. She helped me stuff them Saturday evening while listening to the Resurrection Eggs Devotional readings. What a darling, eager helper she is!

Special for this year- small chocolate eggs wrapped in foil from AmandasOwn– that were actually decorative when unwrapped- so pretty; a chocolate cross lollipop and our traditional lamb lollipop; Chocolates from No Whey

Tulips on the Table

Safe Treats from Aunt Nikki with Love

A Bowl full of Starburst jellybeans

Home-made Peanut Butter Cups

Rice Krispy Treats

Easter Dinner:

Ham

Mashed Potatoes

Special Green Beans

Tossed Salad

Applesauce in glass dishes

I took two separate lovely walks with dear ones. We spent a wonderful time around the four accounts of Jesus Resurrection this morning as a family. We enjoyed the bright glow of light for the last day or Lenten Lights after dinner- He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!

And- the soundtrack of the classic Ben-Hur has played against the background of our afternoon and evening.

I do not have any good pictures to share from this day. I count myself blessed that I was able to be among my family and managed to fill  baskets full with love, joy, and chocolate. 🙂

I spent the whole week prior in quarantine in my room- and mostly in bed- with, I believe, Influenza B.

It was mild, as far as the flu goes, and true to B in adults. But, still days of fever and fatigue. It started on Sunday- with a terrible headache and fatigue- that I thought was merely exhaustion. I was wrong.

I am still weak- although stronger than yesterday. I was able to enjoy our Resurrection Egg tradition yesterday- and managed a very small walk outside with Joshua. I also took a nap. This illness exhausted me.

During my time “away”— alone in my room, (after the first two or three days down)  I was able to listen to podcasts and think. This was very good for my soul. I am percolating all the things I listened to and pondering.

So many things.

Today, there was birdsong, and golden light, and a pink, streaked sunset. There was my arm in his, and the fresh, chill air of early Spring.

There was a companionable walk with a teen son and our shared love of bird and skyscape.

There were brightly colored eggs and jelly beans. Yellow and White tulips. The Spring Green Tablecloth.

There was a “hatchamable” party- earlier in the day.  It took awhile to “hatch” those toys from Ama and Grandad- and it took a lot of love, too.

It was simple, and it was good. And, I still feel like I am recovering… and not quite all the way back. All in all, I am grateful- and ready for bed again!

A Poem for Easter:

Easter Wings by George Herbert

Lord, who createdst man in wealth and store,
      Though foolishly he lost the same,
            Decaying more and more,
                  Till he became
                        Most poore:
                        With thee
                  O let me rise
            As larks, harmoniously,
      And sing this day thy victories:
Then shall the fall further the flight in me.
My tender age in sorrow did beginne
      And still with sicknesses and shame.
            Thou didst so punish sinne,
                  That I became
                        Most thinne.
                        With thee
                  Let me combine,
            And feel thy victorie:
         For, if I imp my wing on thine,
Affliction shall advance the flight in me.

Happy Easter, friends!!!

~Rebecca

 

She’s Five

My darling turned five today (3.8) and this post is for her, not for me, although I so desperately want to write the post that is for me- the one that reflects on the reality of leaving the preschool years behind (for now… what hopeful words those are….for now) and the heart full and mind overwhelming stage I find myself in. How is it that you can look back on your own self with such nostalgia? But I do.

But for her… this day…

 

was full of three, small chirping girlies….

-and there was one who struggled a bit to find happiness in her sister’s special day. After a personal struggle, she managed to turn it around- I am grateful to say- and it is noteworthy- because said girl recognized it, reflected on it, and remarked on her turn-around later (during the cookie party).  She chose what was good. I am so glad.

 

It was full of a slow, unfolding delight.

 

Special Breakfast: Cinnamon Roll Biscuits, Scrambled Eggs, Berries

 

Birthday song and Pictures

 

Her choice of hymn: Go Tell It On The Mountain

A stab at a birthday poem: we settled for Now We Are Six.

It wasn’t quite …but we made do.

A blessing.

 

A birthday gift (or two)

 

Long hours at play

 

The start of a new chapter book at rest time- and what SOLID delight to begin Misty of Chincoteague!

 

A whirlwind spin outside in the cold (for them, not me)

 

Everyone- all of us (minus Todd) home all. day.  All day.  I don’t think I fully realized this until now, and I certainly didn’t make the most of this. But, now, in this moment- I realize.

 

A drive out to Boy Scouts and four I love playing “I Spy” all the way home…

 

Her dinner: Hot dogs and rolls, chips, carrots, cucumbers, peppers, special sauce, raspberries, blueberries, and strawberries. Lemonade.

 

A bubble bath (with jets that somehow ramped the experience up to the best day of the whole year! and rocketed me into best Mommy position!)

 

Tiny painted toes

 

A Cookie Celebration Party and Lemonade in blue polka dot tea cups

 

The Promise of a Family Party on Sunday with Gifts, and Cake, and Pizza, and Popcorn.

 

Elenorah.

 

She’s Five.

 

 

 

Endless Gifts-January into February

Scouts ranking up: Tenderfoot; Life… on, on.

a sleep-in day

ballet class carpool and it is blessed relief

ACT test prep take two (son #2)… smarter than he thinks he is and O! such a wonderful son

my foot healing ( sort of- trying to avoid doctor visit)

his insistence that I read the book I gave him so we can discuss it

66books and Sundays…find me here

A dozen red roses and my face pressed against their velvet

All of us on center court- to celebrate with him! Senior Night.

All the birthday pictures adorned with teapots and tea cups, rainbows, and flowers and their beautiful love

A birthday brunch with my birthday brother, Mom, and Dad

Jonah

Plum Paper and a new year ahead of me… perhaps my birthday will be my official new year….

Berry Crisp and Scrambled Eggs. One of my favorites to prepare for my darlings.

A gift of venison. So grateful and So good.

Silver Keys and God’s grace

School planning for 2018

 

 

A Panagram- by Micah

Today, I was preparing to write this blog post- feeling in my heart that it was time to share a link to some of Micah’s creative writing. Then discovered later today that he won four regional awards for four writing pieces in the Scholastic Art and Writing Awards. It is fitting indeed. 

Micah has been taking Creative Writing through The Potter’s School this year. It has been a wonderful “capstone” class for his senior year; one that he has thoroughly enjoyed and has helped sharpen his abilities.

Throughout the course, students build a blog to showcase their work and interact with their classmates. They submit assignments through their study place account and also post them on their blogs.

I have often pondered sharing a link or two-

but today, I was delighted to read one of his latest assignments- A Panagram.

And so, I would like to share this piece here via a link (with his permission) to his own personal writing space.

~Rebecca