Note: I wrote this blog post in early December, well before Christmas. It is has nestled here, waiting for such a time as this. Dear little son is doing so much better, but we are still on watch and wait with his tonsils and throat. As I sit here today, deeply reminded of how much I need mindful trusting and the anchor of the Word.
I lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
This morning, caught in quiet for a few brief moments, my mind, soul, heart gathered itself together. One of my beloveds is going through a health concern that fist squeezes my heart at times, pointing its finger on two areas I struggle with…breathing and choking. He is fine…but I have to trust. And, I am finding it hard and fearful. The last several nights have been wretched.
He will not let your foot be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber.
Trust. So, for many years, I trusted, as the Lord knit a tiny soul within my body and He carried me through many waters with each unique one. It is interesting to note- that even when I am not, per se, trusting the Lord regarding conception of a new life (as that season of my life seems to have ended)- I am still trusting in the deep way that is so familiar to me. I think I have been surprised to find this. I trusted and still trust as I navigate life with our allergic child and all that has meant and still means for us physically and socially. It was in those first, fiery waters, that the Lord gave me Himself, and I learned what it was to go through something… yet not have to go alone, NOT in darkness, but instead WITH the Light and Love and Strength of Christ. Truth be told, it was even earlier, as I carried that precious third child in the womb, in the face of a fearful postpartum anxiety/depression. Fighting terror it would find me again. It did not, Lord be praised.
Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
And, recently, the Lord has been speaking to me about a new aspect of my life to learn trust. I have to trust Him, outside of myself, as those I care for go through waters of their own. We go through it together. It is maddening, at times, the wits, I have to have about me; the head on my shoulders; the wisdom I need; the little things I miss.
The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
One day this week, I had a very unique day and ended up spending over three hours out of the house with a companionable son at my side. He heard me replay a story over and over to the people I call in a crisis. I was flurried, angry, stressed, and overwhelmed. And, I admit, it wasn’t until the end of those three hours… as I am in the car with him, in a rush, at the Pharmacy, where important medicine was NOT where it was supposed to be AGAIN, late to pick-up another son…that I stopped. And said out loud, “I am not being a very good example at all or testimony of what it means to trust the Lord to you.”
The sun shall not strike you by day nor the moon by night.
I have learned trust in some deep waters of my own. And I realized, I was not responding in right to these current waters. It was stretching me. It hurt. I deeply realized I have new lessons to learn. New lessons. Always growing and changing. And, I am honest in saying, I wish I didn’t have to learn this way. There are many things in life out of our control. There are many lessons we do not choose, but yet, are thrust under their tutelage. There are lessons I pray I never have to learn. Have mercy, O my God. Leaning into God, curling up with Him, in the bottom of the boat, trusting that He is navigating the rough seas. He’s got this. I have the experience and knowledge to know that this is sweet. It is sometimes, bitter, sweet. But sweet it is, and precious. And I am thankful for the grace that caught me round and caused me to look up. And the way this eases fear.
The Lord will keep you from all evil. He will keep your life.
I found my peace. In Him. He is my Peace. But I know, I have wrestling ahead of me and pressing in. I have Scriptures to cling to and lay hold of. I have the manifest Presence of Jesus to seek and know it is mine for the asking. He promises.
The Lord will preserve your going out and your coming from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 121 ESV in entirety (bold and italics)
Note: Psalm 121 is a passage that we have dwelt in, sat in, meditated on, and recited during our School Meeting time. I had read wise, sage Titus 2 women sharing that those nuggets, stored up little by little, proved a resource of great wealth in their lives and the lives of their children. I am finding it true. As this Scripture comes back to me, a mainstay, in a time of trouble. Press on, dear ones! I have often become weary in well-doing. It is for me, to persevere.