Today, I had to make a hard phone call. It was made even harder by this (precious to me) individual’s amazing knack to always put her finger right on the heartbeat of my fear(s).

And so,

I am now trying to recuperate. It is not going that well. I will be honest.

Just now,I read this. So timely. Timely. For me, this very day.

Hard times for so many. This blog has been an encouragement to me for many years. This woman, mother of 9 also, has a beautiful faith and sound doctrine and I have read here for quite a few years now. Even sent her a personal email before our baby was born, actually.

I do not know what it means to trust for the tank of gas or the groceries. I do not understand. All I can do is the best I can, according to who I am, and what I know, with what I have been given- both materially, and also in my character from the shaping influences of my life. She says it is not pretty. (Actually, she says there is nothing romantic about it…yes.) No, it is not pretty and there is an undeniable toll. Is it wrong to experience the toll? What is trust supposed to look and feel like? I do not understand. I do not know. How can you repent hard enough to cleanse everything so all is well again? Can you even? Can I? Even to be face down, down.  I do not know how to walk in what we would call “George Mueller” provision.  I cannot even rightly sift at this time- what are the storms of life and what is our own wrong doing and foolishness. Whatever is not from faith, is sin. This much the Bible states very clearly. To work, to be a single income family, to homeschool, to public school, to have 2 children to have 10, to be quiverfull, whatever the decisions are, the choices made. If not from faith, sin. But happy is the man who condemns himself not in the thing he approves of.

You can look at a cube a hundred times, a hundred different ways, from every angle- seeing something a little different. Which view is correct?

I have learned it is easy to judge and look upon things in black and white- but there are sometimes, other hues. And God doesn’t look at the external alone- but also at the heart.  And in the justifying of one’s own hard decisions and pain, it seems easy to thrust that forward as something one just might also have to go through. But,

sometimes not. Sometimes not.

And so, in the aftermath of the pulsing sting,

I try to recover and I did find the linked blog post very helpful.

Show yourself faithful, O God. For the Sake of Your Name and Your Covenant of Love- not because of anything in me. Anything. Help me to renew my thinking according to Your Truth. Let our troubles not be cause for stumbling to another.

It is fitting to hide under the shadow of Your Wings.