In order to stop that breath stopping, gut clenching… regret inducing… time, time that is just slipping, slipping like those grains of sand through cupped hands that cannot stop the relentless spillage, one small grain at a time… one small grain, now a stream, sometimes a deluge… just want to slow it down. Slow down and see…be all there and remember… when everything is blurred. Blurred like I press my face against the window as the rains sheets down, down. I can’t see clearly. Cup their faces, stare in their eyes. Listen to their hearts. Meet the multi- varied needs. Somehow find air, air- I gasp. I race. In order to just… stop. that. race. right. now. I… call to mind,

His soft gentled hand on her head and how I would look out the corner of my eye, side-long, and there he was. Sweet 5. Gentling her downy, newborn head.

How she has me all astonished. So big. So big already. So much bigger than my other baby girls. So full of delicious rolls and a pressed, dimpled chin. Eager blue eyes. So attentive as her Daddy says. Taking everything in.

How she is one of the little girls. The baby girls. The three little peas in our pod. And Mellie is already making friends all the time. Holding her hand. Loving on her in her sweet, Mellie ways. And those twins, how they have been and are ever so aware- of her every cry. Her presence. They chirp and sing her name all day long in their own way and their own version. Nee-ra, Mi-a, E-La, it all comes out in that adorable toddler speak that you just want to remember forever and somehow writing it just can’t capture it.

And how they are just talking so much and their words… “ch-esssss” – Aymee’s “yes” and my attempt, falling far short attempt- to capture the cuteness.

Pure Cuteness. Pure Sweetness.

Slow it down. I slow it down and breathe deep. I close my eyes. I quiet my mind. I cup the grains of sand. They glimmer.

How he has created new amazingness for our Family Fun Night and how am I so privileged that he brings a plate all for me. Always. I don’t deserve that goodness.

And how I feel like some kind of amazingness when I give 5 children 7 and under baths all in the same night. In groupings. We have the twins. We have the baby. We have the Little Boys. ๐Ÿ˜‰ And tonight, they are ALL clean.

And how I have almost ALL the school planned for ALL the students in my homeschool… the online planner is almost done, figuring out what to do for Gym for several students, ordering the last few books we still need, next the goal sheets from the oversight, having a photo printed, then filling the binders with calendars, copywork pages, our term focus for Composer and Artist, Chore Lists and Reading Log- , making a “rough draft” grid for our days. .I think that is all…putting the Instructor Guide Binders together, putting the books in the school bins and on the shelves…. I want it to be finished- so that I can take a deep breath…maybe two deep breaths… before we begin.

It has been a bit- preoccupying. Ahem. That would be why I feel this crazy rush of… missing and disconnect.

Lamentations


21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 โ€œThe Lord is my portion,โ€ says my soul,
โ€œtherefore I will hope in him.โ€

I call to mind, NEW every morning… His mercies NEVER come to an end…I lean into His Love. I can wake up tomorrow and cup faces. Press my hand against his roughened cheek, wrap my arms round and love, listen to hurts and stories, admire Lego creations, comb and decorate baby girls’ hair, wash faces lovingly, thank my children for all their many, many ways of helping, put the house back in some kind of order, be thankful for the privilege of this life.