“The connection between mother and a child is deeply physical, emotional, and even spiritual. When her egg is fertilized, a new life is conceived, and it begins to grow within her, that new mother’s body begins to change and adapt from the first moments of cellular mitosis. The mystery of conception, gestation, and birth is not just about the new life growing within her but also about her body becoming a life-giving vessel for her baby. To say that a baby changes everything is true on every level of a mother’s life. It changes not just things- but it also changes her- she will never be the same.”

-Educating the Wholehearted Child, Third Edition, page 279.

I was startled to learn in early March that we were expecting our ninth baby- startled enough to take five separate tests. Yes, I did. And every one showed two bright pink lines.

Yet, from almost the beginning, I sensed that all was not well.

However, God in His sovereignty and providence, did allow me to see a sweet little baby of 7 weeks gestation with a heartbeat before the little life that He created did, indeed, end.

Miscarriage. What a word. What a journey, what an experience. Truly something I have realized that you can’t understand until you walk through it in all its pain and physical experiences… truly something that seems to call deeply to the hearts of others and they are quick to share the secret, quiet sorrow of their own hearts in shared experiences. How she whispered quietly to me ,the receptionist at the doctor office, of the loss of her twins 3 1/2 years ago at 8 and 9 weeks gestation- and how she couldn’t even talk about it for months and months- I just wince and brim tears. And how he- just stopped, right there, in the triage room- just stopped detailing down his list- to offer me his personal, heart-felt sympathy and share how he and his wife knew this pain. I stare at him. My mind thinking of the tasks and ordeal at hand. But later, later, I rock sweet baby girl and brim… and how, she, dear friend, hurried to message me true and detailed council so I could be informed and not afraid… and another, sister, drew forth the comfort for me with which the Lord Himself had comforted her, and she covered me in it, like a blanket, like a blanket of love… and o, dear brother, a kindred spirit, who drew the waters from their deep wells to process deep…there are too many to write here. I could go on and on… and every story now twines with mine bringing meaning and healing and hope and understanding.

O, truly the Lord has been kind and faithful in this hurt I was not expecting.

My heart grieves and my eyes brim and my throat chokes at this loss. It hurts. The most sorrowful thing for me is that sense of a life that was alive and growing within me- just- being gone. My soul and spirit grieved its loss- even when my mind was elsewhere. I found a deep soul grief welling up within me and tears flowing right before I actually lost the baby- even though I had “known” in my mind that the baby was gone for several days. It just came from deep within- and I know it is that precious soul connection the Lord has designed between mother and child… the mystery of the connection God has designed.

A Secret, Quiet Sorrow tucked deep into my heart- and how strange- how strange it feels and is.

Our family has chosen some things to mark this loss with personal meaning and some dear friends have recommended some resources to me that I am still looking into- so I can’t share or give any kind of review.

It is true. I will never be the same
and although we will not know this life here on earth- I “knew” it within in the deep and secret way of mothers.

My heart aches this loss.