9 Months Old!

9 Months Old on April 13th
Aymee has the pink flower in her hair and Melodee has the purple.
My camera was giving me some trouble.

Happy 9 Months dear twins!

The bottom two photos are especially for Auntie Amy who used to throw her leg over me all. the. time. when we were little. She would pin me down in her sleep. 🙂

*if you click on the photos- they enlarge and you can view them in a “slideshow.” You can do this for Micah’s birthday photos too. 🙂

Tall Son Turns 12

Micah turned 12 on April 12, 2012. 🙂

We were fighting our way through some – laid us all low sickness– and you can tell in these photos…

Happy, Happy Birthday dear son!!!

A Secret, Quiet Sorrow

“The connection between mother and a child is deeply physical, emotional, and even spiritual. When her egg is fertilized, a new life is conceived, and it begins to grow within her, that new mother’s body begins to change and adapt from the first moments of cellular mitosis. The mystery of conception, gestation, and birth is not just about the new life growing within her but also about her body becoming a life-giving vessel for her baby. To say that a baby changes everything is true on every level of a mother’s life. It changes not just things- but it also changes her- she will never be the same.”

-Educating the Wholehearted Child, Third Edition, page 279.

I was startled to learn in early March that we were expecting our ninth baby- startled enough to take five separate tests. Yes, I did. And every one showed two bright pink lines.

Yet, from almost the beginning, I sensed that all was not well.

However, God in His sovereignty and providence, did allow me to see a sweet little baby of 7 weeks gestation with a heartbeat before the little life that He created did, indeed, end.

Miscarriage. What a word. What a journey, what an experience. Truly something I have realized that you can’t understand until you walk through it in all its pain and physical experiences… truly something that seems to call deeply to the hearts of others and they are quick to share the secret, quiet sorrow of their own hearts in shared experiences. How she whispered quietly to me ,the receptionist at the doctor office, of the loss of her twins 3 1/2 years ago at 8 and 9 weeks gestation- and how she couldn’t even talk about it for months and months- I just wince and brim tears. And how he- just stopped, right there, in the triage room- just stopped detailing down his list- to offer me his personal, heart-felt sympathy and share how he and his wife knew this pain. I stare at him. My mind thinking of the tasks and ordeal at hand. But later, later, I rock sweet baby girl and brim… and how, she, dear friend, hurried to message me true and detailed council so I could be informed and not afraid… and another, sister, drew forth the comfort for me with which the Lord Himself had comforted her, and she covered me in it, like a blanket, like a blanket of love… and o, dear brother, a kindred spirit, who drew the waters from their deep wells to process deep…there are too many to write here. I could go on and on… and every story now twines with mine bringing meaning and healing and hope and understanding.

O, truly the Lord has been kind and faithful in this hurt I was not expecting.

My heart grieves and my eyes brim and my throat chokes at this loss. It hurts. The most sorrowful thing for me is that sense of a life that was alive and growing within me- just- being gone. My soul and spirit grieved its loss- even when my mind was elsewhere. I found a deep soul grief welling up within me and tears flowing right before I actually lost the baby- even though I had “known” in my mind that the baby was gone for several days. It just came from deep within- and I know it is that precious soul connection the Lord has designed between mother and child… the mystery of the connection God has designed.

A Secret, Quiet Sorrow tucked deep into my heart- and how strange- how strange it feels and is.

Our family has chosen some things to mark this loss with personal meaning and some dear friends have recommended some resources to me that I am still looking into- so I can’t share or give any kind of review.

It is true. I will never be the same
and although we will not know this life here on earth- I “knew” it within in the deep and secret way of mothers.

My heart aches this loss.


Endless Gifts March into April

188-So pretty- 3/30- wind chimes twirling, singing…

189-Wild, white dogwoods in full bloom.

190-Littlest Boy playing quietly in dappled morning light

191-Bright Mountain Sun shining gold on face, shining thru unfurling green, wee new leaves. Spring green.

192-The sweet comfort from a dear friend

193-Thankful for how much I really, really enjoy homeschooling my children

194-A bouquet of tulips, tulips from my love. Pink and bright, strong and tall.

195-Air-conditioning, cools the house AND keeps out the allergens

196-Our lemon of a heat pump. Yes, I am seeking to thank the Lord for it…

197-quiet time out on our deck

198-Ann Katherine and her encouragement

199- Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, He is the Rock Eternal. Isaiah 26:4

200-Spring Breeze sweet

201-sweet talking girlies, and how she pulls my face, right- eye-to-eye with her when I am distracted, with her little hands cupped on my cheeks, and how she, she lays her head on my shoulder and we rock…

202- Dr. Doug- the children’s dentist

203-tylenol easing the misery of a headache

204-a mountain drive and the spring color- just popping- glory beautiful and everything fresh and fragrant and how there are these trees that just flame to life in multiple colors- reminding me of certain tress that flame their autumn dying all hues together- and I marvel at the beauty.

205- a gathering with friends, and our swingset all finished- back up again…

206- Asher doing the “chipmunk” through the house…

207-The book: A Mother’s Heart. Amazing, practical, encouraging, inspiring read

208-the hard wrenching realization of how I am NOT in control…

209- them two, in their l’il hats

210- three blowing dandelion fluffs in the afternoon sun and spring green, tiptoeing and blowing over the side of the deck.

211- Todd working from home when sickness struck

212-Easter love Baskets and purple tulips

213-ladies’ bible study group and “secret” facebook page

214-Little Boy who “makes plans” to spend his afternoon with me

215- Melodee waving all her appendages in joy at my returning…

216-233 recorded in my handwritten journal…


Of course it is not Monday- but I make all things my own… and the important, soul transforming part- is in the counting…

Write My Heart

Isaiah 43

New King James Version (NKJV) (emphasis mine)

The Redeemer of Israel

43 But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire,

you shall not be burned,

Nor shall the flame scorch you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,

The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;


Isaiah 41

New King James Version (NKJV)

10 Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Walking through an unexpected trial of fire, water, and blood… these verses comfort me. Hard Eucharisteo.

Food For Thought

April 12th entry in Whispers of His Power devotional by Amy Carmichael

Matt. 26:38: Then saith He unto them. My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with Me.

Mary Mozley of Central Africa wrote in a letter:”Somebody suggested this thought to me, and it came home to me the other day in reading about Christ in Gethsemane–that the way to show true sympathy is not to pity, but to stand by and strengthen the sufferer to do God’s will. And in Gethsemane, when Christ turned to the three for sympathy, it was with the words, ‘Watch with Me.’ ‘Stand by Me.’ He asked for no pity, but for the strengthening which might seem a feeble help, just that they might let their presence and prayer tell there for Him, to strengthen Him to do the will of God.”

The Lord help each one of us to “stand by” one another with just this kind of bracing sympathy.

Easter Love Baskets

Easter Love Baskets

Easter Love Baskets, a new tradition…
Ephesians 5:15-16
New International Version (NIV)
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

This Scripture came to mind when I was pondering creating these Easter baskets. I want to make the most of every opportunity to minister to my children and impress God’s love and truth upon their hearts. Easter is a wonderful opportunity to love my children in Christ’s name and for His sake. Our house is currently very cluttered and messy. This made me want to focus on cleaning and not on preparing gifts for the children. But then I remembered- my children will remember the memory and love of this day. They will not remember the clutter and untidiness and what memories and images did I want to impress upon their hearts and minds? I chose love.

I attached a Scripture to each of the main ingredients in their baskets. I also thought about a meaningful Scripture for each child and printed it and handwrote an encouraging note on the back. A dear friend of mine was kind enough to share some things with me about their Easter baskets and celebrations and I felt inspired in the Lord.

Our “main ingredients”
Empty Tomb Biscuits
Matthew 28:5-7 But the angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay.”

Lamb of God Chocolate
John 1:29 The next day he (John the Baptist) saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”

Tulips- Beautiful New Life In Christ
2 Corinthians 5:27 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come.

Tasty Homemade Peanut Butter Cups
Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O Lord, God of hosts.
Psalm 119:103 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

Golden Eggs to Remind of us of the Precious Gift Christ is- we need only to receive Him!
Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I was very pleased with their beauty, simplicity, and meaning. I also made homemade peanut butter cups for our children this year- and they were so easy and delicious!! They are so much more healthful than the store-bought alternative. They are also safe for our food allergies! 🙂 They are definitely a new tradition.

Happy Easter! Blessed, Blessed Resurrection Day.