Christmas felt tinged with tears for me this year. I think it is hormones and extreme fatigue coupled with uncertainty making me feel slightly blue. There are so many directions one can take with gift giving- especially with a large family – that I can become confused. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What is my goal and desire? There is the beautiful challenge of the littles and the bigs. Protecting the innate wonder of the littles, shepherding the expanding worlds of the bigs. Then there is the missing. The missing of our large extended families. The ever-present sting of hurt that doesn’t go away even though we love, love, love our family traditions and our time here. Then there is the tiredness and husband works ever more and more and more this last week the climax as we peak the crescendo and start down the other side come January. January is intense. There is more deep inside, too. It strung together to wrap round me in a tight web of almost tears- several times.

Several times I thought to myself- I must work harder. I must serve better. I must… and then suddenly, I realized, as I pondered all of this from the chair on which I sat- not working energectically- that I was putting my focus on the do, do, do- on the works- of which I am woeful. I am so very much not one who can ever make a show in my own strength and flesh. I fail and I have failed miserably over the years. On that chair- I realized- it is NOT about me do, do, doing… it is about me sitting and seeking and feasting and revitalizing in the Presence of God. Out of His strength- will this ministry to this family be anything- anything at all. Anything worthy, anything lasting, anything of the light of Christ, the love of Christ, the beauty of the Lord, the mercy of His Cross…
And this brings my heart singing this song:
E A Bsus
How lovely is your dwelling place, oh Lord Almighty
E Bsus
My soul longs and even faints for you
E A Bsus
For here my heart is satisfied, within your presence
E Bsus
I sing beneath the shadow of your wings

(chorus)
A2
Better is one day in your courts
Bsus
Better is one day in your house
A2
Better is one day in your courts
Bsus
Than thousands elsewhere (repeat)

E A Bsus
One thing I ask, and I would seek, to see your beauty
E Bsus
To find you in the place your glory dwells
(repeat)

C#m7 B A Bsus
My heart and flesh cry out, for you the living God
C#m7 B A2 Bsus
Your Spirit’s water to my soul
C#m7 B A
I’ve tasted and I’ve seen, come once again to me
E/G# F#m7 Bsus
I will draw near to you, I will draw near to you

© 1997 Kingsways Thankyou Music
CCLI #1596342
Album: Passion/Better is One Day

Now- to just try to take a few minutes to soak that song and really be present in it.

I am so dry and thirsty.